The disturbing power of silence

9 days of nothingness

I’m about to share one of the most difficult and powerful experiences of my life…

The 9 days I spent in silent meditation.

No talking, no reading, no writing, no music, no electronics… not even eye contact was allowed.

Absolute nothingness.

But before I share more - I have to state that I am NOT pushing anyone to try this. It must be something you come to on your own.

And be warned:

It can be so much more painful and difficult than you imagine.

But it can also be incredibly powerful...  unlocking states of mind that I don’t believe are achievable any other way.

Certain psychedelic drugs hint at what’s possible...

But they actually undersell the raw power of the human mind in total isolation.

So, how was the silence organized? 

By a Vipassana Buddhist organization. But that’s not important.

This is a very solitary experience.

The ground rules are extremely important though. No phones or computers of course. No talking, reading or writing. Nothing to distract yourself from pure being.

No eye contact. 

Of course there were people on standby for medical emergencies... but fortunately none came up.

1 meal a day plus tea and coffee - and most people slept in cabins, except for a few who braved it in tents. 

There were yoga classes in the morning and each night there was a lecture by a meditative practitioner-

But nothing was mandatory.

Otherwise it was 9 days of total silence, alternating walking with sitting meditation.

I did a LOT of walking. 

It’s impossible to accurately describe the changes your mind goes through when removed from virtually all external stimuli. One of these things that must be experience to be truly understood.

it is just you alone with your darkest, deepest thoughts.

I hope that everyone reading this would get it through it more quickly...

But I struggled... 

I struggled for days just dealing with all the fears and embarrassments and bad memories that I had successfully tucked away during normal life.

It was beyond excruciating.

It was indescribably painful.

It contained within it every negative thought I’d ever had… Including some that were decades old.

And on the third day I hit a wall where I didn’t think I could possible make it any longer...

And this is where the social pressure of the formal retreat became critical.

Even though I couldn’t look anyone in the eyes...

I couldn’t bear the thought of being the first, or the only one to leave.

So i gutted it out.

And while you never exorcise these demon memories completely - you do start to learn to live with them.

And you start feeling... 

Indescribably calm.

Also your senses are incredibly heightened.

Taste, smell, hearing - it is like the most powerful nootropic you’ve ever taken.

Not to mention your emotional sense.

Your emotions become dangerously heightened. 

I am not a man who cries.

But when one of the staff members ran into town to bring me back honey cough drops...

I broke down sobbing. Maybe the most honest emotional release I’d had in years.

That simple act of human kindness utterly broke me. 

The hard shell of a man who spent so many years fighting, struggling and mistrusting was completely cracked open.

It was calmer from there.

The vegetarian meals which I would have hated under normal circumstances tasted like the finest Michelin starred meals. 

And I carried that dangerous but joyous emotional sensitivity for many weeks after.

Nothing I’ve said here can even come close to capturing the experience...

This was the most overwhelmingly intense physical and emotional experience I’ve ever been through.

I am strong-willed... 

But now I've seen clearly how bad faith spiritual leaders can take over people’s minds.

There is something deeply powerful... and deeply dangerous at play here.

And what is at play here?

Nothing more and nothing less than life itself.

Just the experience of being human. Period.

And you have no idea how strange and powerful that experience is... How distant you are from it... until you go through something like this.